Losing grandparents is hard. The heartbreak you experience of losing a favorite grandparent transcends all sorts of pain. It is even more hurtful if you have loved them as profoundly as they loved you although I doubt any grandkid can beat the love of their grandparents. When I lost my paternal grandmother in the early 2000s, I felt a pang of regret that I did not get to know her enough. She was a warm, compassionate person who talked less but expressed through her actions of affirmative love: being prepared with the best dishes the Delhi-based grandchildren liked, sending the most sumptuous 'pothichoru' (piping hot meal wrapped in lightly toasted banana leaf) for our train journey back home, and spending hours peeling off jackfruit and banana to make snacks for us to share with our friends (and brag). She had a fuzzy way of saying goodbye to us. As we loaded our luggage into the car, she would call my brother and me, and give the 'sniff-kiss'. For the uninitiated, sniff kiss was her kissing us on our hands and occasionally, on the cheeks and sniffing while doing so. It was as if she was trying to soak in our scent to lend her strength till we visited again the following year. I never really cried when I saw her resting peacefully in our house courtyard, surrounded by people offering condolences to the grieving family. It only took the sight of her being lit up in the funeral pyre that I realized: 'this is it'; she is not coming back. And the dams broke. I will never see her again in that home, sitting on the porch flanked by the sky blue walls sipping tea and reading the daily newspaper, her vision 20/20 till the day she passed away; I will never share the same room with her, hearing her stomach-quivering low laugh when the cousins would crack a joke; I will never feel her sniffing my hands that left a lingering smell of her on the back of my hand. It was too late before it hit me that I did not make enough memories with her.
Of Psych and Things I Like
Friday, May 19, 2023
Some goodbyes are hard
Friday, April 21, 2023
Feeling of Incongruence Kinda Day
A muddled state of mind
Tuesday, June 22, 2021
Room for Error
I have been guilty of experiencing what one could call a 'dissipating enthusiasm' these days. I come across interesting pieces that churn my creativity cycles and I spend the next few days heavily ideating and compiling thoughts only to let it sneakily slide out into the oblivion from the edges of my consciousness. Initially, I felt that it could have been a case of acute procrastination but the more I thought about it (pun intended), the more I felt that it has more to do with me not being passionate enough about the things I choose to do.
I always thought I was passionate about writing. When I sit down to write, I mindlessly catharsise and then reading what I wrote makes me all 'hmm it's meh' and I keep reworking on it till the zest of the initial spark fizzles out. I wonder how many people feel this way. The strive to perfect something till you don't feel like doing it anymore. The other day I was going through cheesecake recipes on Youtube, like all independent adults do, and I decided it is time I bake one. I tagged along a very zen father-in-law to buy a cart load of stuff we did and didn't need for cheesecake. Upon reaching, I realised that the recipe needs what they call cream cheese (four blocks) and sour cream and a decent oven. I had one block of cream cheese, no sour cream, and just a microwave that doesn't allow to bake. Left with no choice, I put off baking for almost a week till I came across a similar recipe and behold! the sparks flew yet again. I decided to find substitutes for sour cream, found it, and became determined to bake, only to find myself with a cheesecake as flat as a chapatti (because one block of cream cheese, I didn't know!). My world came crashing down when my first attempt turned out the way it did. So the next time I conjured up the courage to bake again, I came to the conclusion that maybe I am not able to bake because I don't have the right tools and there again I went, caving in to Bezos' brainchild, buying measuring cups, lining papers, oil brush and spatula. I shall not go wrong this time, I thought. The cupcakes I made became cup biscuits basically and my morale went spiralling down yet again.
As I write this to reflect where I went wrong, I feel that it is not that I didn't have the right tools to do what I wanted to do but it is because I was blaming external factors for my internal dilemma of not having a damn clue about what I wanted to do. I have always taken pride in knowing that I knew what I wanted to accomplish in my life. I have never experienced an identity crisis and neither did I go through a confusion regarding what profession I see myself in. It has always been education and teaching. These last two years of my doctoral study which I spent with me, myself, and my thoughts solely in front of my laptop and phone has been a massive jolt, to say the least. I could blame it on being asked to stick to the topic that I wasn't super keen on or making little progress owing to the pandemic or not having consistent supervision. Although the idea of research still enthrals me, it doesn't keep me on my toes as it has become just one more thing I need to just finish, no matter what, because it adds value and a 'Dr.' to my identity.
The dissipating enthusiasm I have been feeling has a lot to do with me believing that I am not a part of the mad rat race and still being a part of one, unknowingly. It does bother me that I am not able to give my best to what I went out to accomplish but this word 'accomplishment' is loaded with such pressure and expectations that merely the idea of not meeting that makes one feel like a rag doll, limp and meek. Perfection. Excellence. Ideal. All these words hold so much more prominence in our society than, say, 'Improvement', 'Better', or 'Work in Progress'. I want to be a work in progress. Becoming a better person, a better scholar, a better social worker, a better daughter, and a better teacher everyday rather than perfecting each day leaving no room for errors or oopsies.
Perhaps once I make peace with this margin of error that I am allowed, I will be able to bake a better cheesecake and even write about it someday.
Thursday, December 31, 2020
Your Submission Has Been Summarily Rejected :)
Never give up. Today is hard. Tomorrow will be worse. But the day after tomorrow will be sunshine. -Jack Ma
It is always hard to pen down your thoughts in an organised manner and fall in tandem with the rules stipulated by various journals and publications only to receive emails that shower you with affectionate rejections a few weeks later. In the world of academia, it is a given that you will have to struggle substantially if you wish to see your name printed on an article that you laboriously worked on. But then comes with it, a barrage of often constructive feedback that doesn't hate your writing but doesn't love it either. After having crossed 2 years of research and countless rejection emails, I write this today as a means to appease my impatient mind.
When I first started working in the education sector, I did not know that five years down the line, I will be revisiting all those teaching strategies through the lens of a researcher. If I had known, perhaps I would have groomed myself to be a better subject of this control group (obliviously, of course, but then it's a pathetic paradox). But all I did was fail shabbily in my attempts of being a decent teacher. There were some good days and a lot of bad days where I had no clue what I was doing wrong. I carried that trial and error method with me, half-heartedly knowing that I can be better and full-heartedly knowing that I did not know how to do that. With research now, I feel the same.
Of course, scholars are expected to rise up like a phoenix after every rejection and of course, they are asked to keep at it no matter what the outcome. Every rejection email, however, is a reminder, not a shocking one per se, that I need to work harder to make my mark in this uncertain world of words and knowledge. And the same emails are a reminder of how little I actually know HOW to write a good research article. Why is it that scholars these days are expected to come up with exemplar international level publications in their student life when their senior counterparts have achieved that only later in their academic or teaching tenure? Surely it is setting higher benchmarks and standards for research-based education but is that expected standard commensurate with the technical know-how of writing a paper. I have attended various academic writing workshops in these two years of my research but none guided me with the art (not skill) of curating your ideas in a structured manner let alone how to think in abstract research terms.
I believe that even something as simple (on paper) as developing a title or choosing a tool or an epistemological ground for your distinctive thought must be taught with utmost care extended towards your unique thought process. In this regard, mentoring should be taken seriously. I learnt from the mistakes I made while developing my articles and presentations. And I decided to communicate those do's and don't's with my students who now sail in the same boat as me, battling deadlines and academic expectations. Is mentoring difficult? Absolutely. Can it still be done fairly well? Sure! Can it be translated to research writing mentoring? Yes! Is it feasible? I believe so! So, how can we handle this concern differently?
Step #1: Be a good role model. How about having scholars start off their research career by accompanying their mentors/guides for a publication or two where they observe and learn the art of academic writing? It serves dual purpose. It builds some foundational academic credibility for the amateur authors to hone further; They now know what goes into creating something exemplar and will have a strong example to refer to.
Step #2: Encourage writing perspectives, reviews, and opinion pieces instead of delving straight into rigorously scientific papers. As of today, opinion pieces or perspectives have no research value. There are plenty of scholars out there who chose a topic because they were asked to choose one and not because they wanted to do it. Having this option will allow them to explore the topics and find something they can work with. If nothing else, this will provide an opportunity for them to express and give some semblance of order with respect to their ideas.
Step #3: Make research and inquiry a critical skill to develop regardless of the academic path you choose. Introduce academic writing as a course at all levels of learning. But here, they are trained step-by-step to develop a research article with each day or week focussed on a specific research milestone. For example: Week 1: Read and find a topic that you'd like to work on. Week 2: Give shape to your title and identify variables you'd like to work with. Week 3: Develop your conceptual/theoretical framework; how do variables interact with each other, give it structure...Week 15: Collect data, understanding ethics and consent...Week 20: Analysing your data, learning descriptive and predictive analysis...Week 24: Organising results, choosing significant results...Week 30: Writing discussion chapter, collating your literature with findings. And so on...The key factor is guidance. Having someone as your buddy or coach or mentor (plenty of synonyms!) can not only motivate you in creating something useful but also allow you to come up with a solid article with confidence and the technical understanding of writing one.
It is a personal belief that the right kind of support and research-oriented guidance shall go a long way in paving path for a community of scholars (like me) who are passionate about building their academic career but are lost in this vast ocean of scientific expectations. I hope that all of you who are reading this, no matter where you are on your research journey, know that you are not alone and you will be fine. Till then, continue rising like a phoenix.
Thursday, June 25, 2020
Mrs. Phillips
Friday, June 19, 2020
You Have Something I Need
Wednesday, June 17, 2020
Mental Health and Student Community
The Silence of Well-Being in the Cacophony of a Pandemic
-Understanding Mental Health of Students
We are going through a tough time. If the virus was not being enough of a miscreant, we have now civil wars breaking out, countries on the verge of war with each other, dormant racism taking a much evolved and blatantly overt form, love dissipating, loyalties shifting, and the world transforming into a melting pot of screw-ups and occasional victories.
When the year began, I, like most people, had high hopes. And why not? It is a new year. Good things are expected to happen. And I guess with everyone being so transfixed on it being a magical year (2020, ooooohhh!), we seemed to have jinxed it. As the world settles into the new normal, our emotional demons have stepped out for a stroll although it is still lockdown.
Mental health has been an issue that everyone big or small, rich or poor, literate or illiterate battles with. It is not one of those things that you 'cure' or 'fix up'. It goes much deeper than that. And it involves much more complex emotions than what meets the eye. We need to understand that feelings are abstract and often cannot be expressed in tangible forms or words. We might not always see someone saying EXACTLY what they feel unless they have some feelings monitor plastered on their foreheads that gauges those feelings.
Now visualise this: You are a 11 year old child stuck within the confines of your home during this pandemic. You cannot step out to play, to visit friends, or to breathe the fresh air. You are expected to attend 3-4 hours of virtual lessons everyday during which you get to see all your friends in one frame and you go back to your life. That's that. No one asks you how you are. No one enquires if you are facing any trouble. No one seems to be interested if you are able to keep up with the pace of online learning. No one bothers about whether you are being given attention at home. If you feel upset just visualising this, imagine going through this day in and day out as a young child. Now visualise the same feelings getting magnified over the years where you have to keep up with the crowd and yet have no outlets for those repressed feelings. If you are fortunate, you will have a few people who will reach out to you and truly care about you. If you are not so fortunate, you will have a difficult time letting people know the reason behind the frown lines on your forehead even when you are smiling.
I believe that as a teacher, one can do miracles effortlessly even while sitting behind a computer screen. It is like doing your morning meetings with our students but virtually. Spending the first 5 or 10 minutes to just ask everyone if they are happy, safe, and positive could be a start instead of jumping headlong into a lesson. Yes, syllabus is taxing. Yes, curriculum changes are needed badly. Yes, educational policies must modify with the need of the hour. But, having happy and invested students are way better than having distressed ones.
Research studies show that even though immunisation, nutrition, and mortality prevention are key focus areas when it comes to children [1], mental health is not given the same priority. Although our current socio-political contexts proclaim the importance of growing number of children and adolescents with mental health issues that range from depression, anxiety, and suicidal tendencies, there are no concrete systems in place that allow children to vocalise their concerns in case they are going through an emotional ordeal. In the light of these growing concerns, the role of the school in creating a positive and approachable school culture is therefore important. Even the latest Mental Health Care Act (2017) fails to highlight concrete preventive measures that specifically target young children and adolescents [2]. To the same effect, I have been conceptualising an idea on creating safe spaces for children to discuss mental health problems in schools. It goes with the premise that schools play a humongous role in coming up with a culture that embodies values which allows for students to explore, examine and express their barriers towards learning thereby making it accessible for them to feel in control of their own change. There is a need to curate a framework that prioritises children and adolescents’ psychosocial and emotional well-being along with their scholastic growth. Having a team of people who are equipped with up-to-date theory, research and skills based on effective practical interventions can optimally maximise the positive mental health of the students. Success in these challenges will help improve the happiness and well-being of young people; allows them to engage constructively with their peers and with the demands of academic learning; and eventually, help reduce the lifelong impact of unmet mental health needs.
It was during one of these research expeditions that I struck gold mine and found a gem of a framework called 'Positive Behavioral Intervention and Supports (PBIS)' by George Sugai and Robert Horner. It is a beautiful amalgamation of factors that I find to be extremely relevant, vis-a-vis, good school and classroom practices to support students at every level, strong foundational systems that are unique to each school which also promote staff behavior, and multiple pieces of data generated about students every single day that allows for better decision making. The result of all these factors working seamlessly is what gives us outcomes.
The reason why I fell for it instantly is because the model when put into a tiered form looks eerily similar to the topic of my previous blog post on Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs. It has strong resemblance to the idea of fulfilling basic and universal needs of all students to aim for far and fewer students getting specialised and individualised support for complex behaviours. As the intensity of the support increases, there is a decrease in the number of students needing that focused support owing to their psychosocial and emotional needs being met at the base and following level itself. I am attaching a link to their page wherein they have explained in detail what each tier looks like [3].
A study conducted by O'Reilly, Adams, Whiteman, et al (2018) shows that most teachers can and have the willingness to support psychosocial needs of students. However, there is also a need for support within and beyond school to make it comfortable for them to do so. Teachers feel vulnerable and unsupported, lacking in skills and support systems, leading to a threat to their own mental well-being [4]. We must accept that at some point, even we will go cuckoo while we are at it every single day: lesson planning, ideating, executing, resolving conflicts, amongst our household chores. Make sure we reach out to someone in our circle who 'gets it'. Having empathetic listeners is so crucial because that support goes a long way into us having a 'Santa Claus Spreading Happy Cheer' effect on our kids as well. Upset teachers and upset students make a terrible combination and nothing good comes out of it.
Wrapping up what I know is a long post, I would like to leave you with a few images. While hunting for appropriate pictures for this post, I came across an incredible page called 'BelievePerform'. Their images are available on Google and can be shared amongst your peers, students, colleagues, employers, parents, and everyone who impacts student learning. I am sharing a few that I loved and are well-articulated.
Times are challenging. In the light of recent events, it is imperative that we acknowledge the importance of mental health and make it a point to reach out to our near and dear ones just to let them know that we are merely a call away and to ensure that we do talk to them if they need us. It goes without saying that doing all this for our young kids is even more important. As we struggle to find normalcy in our upturned life, let us pray that no one is left behind in this mad rush.
Thank you for reading! <3
References:
[1] India. (2019). Booklet on Universal Health Coverage (UHC). New Delhi: Ministry of Health and Family Welfare.
[2] Duggal, C., & Bagasrawala, L. (2019). Adolescent and Youth Mental Health in India: Policies and Programmes. In S. Bharat & G. Sethi (Ed.). Health and Wellbeing of India's Young People: Challenges and Prospects (pp. 85-120). Singapore: Springer Nature
https://link.springer.com/content/pdf/bfm%3A978-981-13-6593-5%2F1.pdf
[3] https://www.pbis.org/pbis/getting-started
[4] O'Reilly, M., Adams, S., Whiteman, N., Hughes, J., Reilly, P., & Dogra, N. (2018). Whose Responsibility is Adolescent’s Mental Health in the UK? Perspectives of Key Stakeholders. School Mental Health, 10(4), 450-461.
https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s12310-018-9263-6
Sunday, June 7, 2020
Contextualising Maslow for Classrooms
Some goodbyes are hard
This Is It Losing grandparents is hard. The heartbreak you experience of losing a favorite grandparent transcends all sorts of pain. It is e...