A muddled state of mind
The good life is a process, not a state of being. It is a direction, not a destination.
-Carl Rogers (1967)
Every time I sit down to write something these days, my words gravitate naturally toward the work I am doing lately: my doctoral thesis or, generally, inclusive and safe spaces in educational spaces. Very rarely do I find myself thinking about other things. Honestly speaking? It has been a while since I thought of focusing my energies on something that excites me and hypes me up. So like any typical researcher would do, I researched more about these feelings I was feeling. Turns out, it does have a name: academic fatigue. It manifests in different ways in different people. To understand how it manifested in my thought and behavioral patterns, I started observing my routines (oops! cannot take the researcher out of me!). I noticed that I had a lot of super innovative ideas, albeit for a brief period (memory of a goldfish guuuyyyyys). I decided to note those down whenever I had those bouts of 'voila!' moments. These would be ideas I get about an article I have been sitting on or a post that I want to write on social media or a song that I would add to my list of umpteen songs I want to learn to play on my ukulele or a hobby I want to pursue to enhance my lifestyle a notch. I would tick that off with a lot of gusto and then poof! my brain will remark, "hey! how come you are not working on your Ph.D.? Everyone has been asking about it. Focus!" Aaaaand, I will fall back into the guilt trap, dragged down again into the mundane cycle of what is now my life. There are too many cups to pour into and too less of an emotional bandwidth to do the same. Alright. Academic fatigue caused by overwhelming number of people to please. What could be causing this feeling of abject misery and discontentment then? So me did some thinking:
<Rewind>
If someone asked me to define my early to mid 20s in one word, without batting an eyelid, I would say 'impulsive'. That is what I have always been. Or mostly always. I resented not taking a chance on something I believed in and then feeling guilty about it: be it my professional life or my personal. And because of that, I have learnt some valuable lessons. To be fair, isn't it better to have the autonomy in coming to the realisation that you have grown as a person from an experience you created for yourself instead of having someone else (perhaps, a parent or a sibling or a peer or a partner) saying 'I told you so'. The emotional maturity you feel when you OWN that experience without someone making you feel bad about your impulsiveness is something you can proudly carry like a badge. It would feel meh for a few days but you will evolve, and add a small chapter in your book of wonderful adventures.
Cut to the present, I have become cautious, for the lack of a better word. I am cautious about how I present myself to the society I live in; how I present myself to the family I belong to; how I present myself to the community I work with; how I present myself to my students. Sadly, each version of me is different. There seems to be little to no congruence between those selves. As Carl Rogers once theorized, "For a person to reach a state of self-actualization, there must be congruence between a person's ideal self and their self-image." It is a humanistic theory, and ironically, it is one of the theories that I loved learning about in my human behavior class during my Masters. How does one become 'real' when their thoughts are convoluted and stretched thin between their ideals and the perceptions (read:expectations) they carry? How does one find their authentic self when significant milestones like getting a job is really rooted in just an hour-long video call where they grade you on benchmarks you are not made aware of? How does one present themselves in such cases really? Do they bluff all the way through? Or is it all just about the aura? Or is it just a game of communication skills really? Well, this post is not about job interviews but wanted to just give a scenario where this conflict between the perceived and ideal self is tricky to gauge because you don't know what the other person really needs. And even if you know what they really need, does presenting a congruent self guarantee success all the time? Just a thought.
I would go on a limb and say that, for me, such situations are super sticky to navigate through because I cannot find common ground between my authentic self and ideal self. That teeny-tiny seed of self-doubt and uncharacteristically cautious self is what makes me apprehensive about giving my best wherever I can. Such feelings have the power to hold you back. It makes you feel unpleasant and often, quite emotionally drained. You are in this constant loop of worry that no matter how great an idea is, it is a pointless exercise to go that extra mile in any assigned task. It is true for personal relationships too, is it not? There are moments when you constantly give and give and give and there comes a point, where gods of reciprocity do not cooperate and you are like 'well, wtf'. There! Rebellion unlocked! And yet, you still persist. You still go in with your bright smile and cheery sentiments of change because it allows you to find what you are made of. It gives you a chance to find what you are capable of. And most importantly, it gives you a chance to find that congruence you desperately seek. Here is where being impulsive would help, for someone like me at least. Just giving in to my feelings and my emotions. Zero regrets. Zero guilt. Zero effs to give. Even while I write this, I am aggressively chomping on Blueberry Sour Punk (just being an impulsive writer :P)
Regardless of the self-love mantras we chant or the reaffirmations we bind ourselves to, there is a certain amount of risk-taking, trusting your gut and impulsiveness that goes into churning out interesting life outcomes. But again, society wins this round because no one wants a brazen lass walking around speaking her mind about things that she impulsively decided to do or risks she wants to take in life without having to worry about the disparaging remarks that follow. I am totally ready for my self-actualization journey but how, where and when to find this congruence? Therapy! Here I come!
What are your thoughts on congruence? :)
Source: Google Images
